Your terms

You get mad that I don't want you enough.
When I show ANY interest and the results aren't immediate then you turn me down when I'm ready, willing and WANTING.  Usually I'm not that into sex so I feel guilty and just put out when you want it- with no pleasure to me... so when I do feel in the mood it can only be on your terms and not on mine?!
You've become selfish and it's no wonder that sex holds little to no interest for me anymore. After years together you should treat me how (EXACTLY HOW YOU KNOW THAT) I treat you! Put out on your partner's terms to show them you love them and not just for self interest!
Grrrr! I'm super angry now!!!

Being a grown up means not posting this on social media...

My man always gets angry when I tell him I know when he's asleep because he's snoring. He denies it and argues with me.
I told him I should record him to prove it.
He then says he would record all of our conversations to prove how wrong I am about what I say because supposedly I lie all of the time...
He then asks if I'd be surprised to find out that he already has been. I say "no, because it's something I know you'd do" ...
He again denied that he's that type of person but he used to have taps and hidden recorders on my old phone because he swore I was cheating and/or lying to him...
I've never cheated on him and only ever lied to him about drinking when I was an alcoholic...
I CANNOT say that he is not guilty of the things he's accused me of...
I also cannot say that I've ever fully forgiven him....

After 3.5 years...

OMG... 10/5/14 (his birthday) was the last day we ever drank alcohol...
Today 5/15/18 we decided to try again...
Same buzzed arguments...
Same unsatisfied, although rambunctious sex...
Seriously?! I wanted the sex to be fun for BOTH of us...
He got off AND a body rub...
I got...
Yep, awake at 3:30am on 5/16/18...
Why did we drink?
Another unsatisfying night...
Don't I deserve more? He constantly tells me that I do...
Where's my fun? Where's my off? Where's my rub?
None, nowhere, not happening...

Hell yes!

He's working from home and making good money. He got me a brand new bed and an awesome tv this month. Bday and just because. He's stepped up so much and I can finally see the man I want him to be able to be. He's happier even though he's a little more stressed and has a little less time

Finally working

He's finally got off his ass and started working again. It sucks that he worked only a month at a gas station since we moved here. I have pushed, begged and given ultimatums with no results. He finally put his name out there and now he's getting popular again; tattooing and piercing from home. I'd hoped we wouldn't have to do this again but at least it's SOMETHING!
My biggest pros and cons to this situation:
Pro: His confidence is returning and with that comes his happiness which in turn makes me happier.
Con: I don't trust him not to cheat on me again, not to take an easy opportunity and go for it...
What am I supposed to do? I want him to be happy, it truly does make life better for the both of us. I just don't want to be taken advantage of more than has already happened. I don't want to come home and see evidence of something wrong, because if I do and I ask him about it, he'll always answer honestly...
I'm scared and stuck.
How can I make the pain and fear of being hurt go away? It's been over a year since he cheated and I still feel like he'll one day make me regret staying. I love him, I want us to work, I just absolutely hate living in terror of what he can so easily do to me and my heart...

Let me sleep!

I am now on week 6 as acting store manager and I'm Fucking tired. I don't work until 12:30 and I figure "finally I can sleep in a little." That's a joke! Apparently I am not allowed to. Between the cat and the man I get to be up by 10... I just want to sleep!!! The smell of steamy shower when I'm trying to sleep makes me nauseous... I hate this. I give up...

Broke and sober

Sometimes I just want to pick up a bottle of alcohol while in the grocery store, purchase it, then take it home and drink it.
I know I can't though.
I miss the fun, no matter how superficial, that it brought to me when I was bored or feeling down. It always made me feel happier, I didn't care that it was only temporary.
One of the only things that makes me happy in its absence is shopping, but being the bread winner and only employed/money making person in this household that happiness is also hindered.
I'm bored and poor. I can barely take it anymore... when will things ever get better and go my way, just a little?
When do I get to feel happy and satisfied with any part of my life again? I've had it before, just wish I could've hung on!
Ugh...
"things will get better, I promise. You just have to give it time." (Quoting myself) "don't give up, you're almost there."